Barbara J.L. O'Riordan
They were continuing to reiterate the details of their story. They were wanting others to commiserate and ‘hate the other person with them.’
They became angry when others disagreed or tried to guess their feelings and needs.
And this went on for a long time – and was driving me nuts!
The real question, of course, was: why couldn’t I just accept that they were stuck in jackal and love them anyway?
Saying ‘they are acting out of jackal’ was my excuse — not a sound or valid reason — not to love them.
There is no valid reason in this world not to love anybody. There are only excuses that we try to make seem meaningful.
If Eva Mozes Kor could forgive Dr Mengele, I can learn to love a fellow human being who is stuck in jackal.
So, the work was mine, and it took a few days.
The upshot of the story is simply that the person has a lot of trouble identifying their feelings and needs, and, so, they are often bewildered. Their blaming and getting angry is a reaction to that sense of bewilderment.
I entered a liminal space and conjured an image of ‘them’ assuring ‘them’ that they were safe there. And I waited.
The image finally said: ‘I don’t know what to do about myself.’
Hearing that, I was completely disarmed and fell into Love.
Their talk had moved from ‘I don’t know what to do about the other person” to “I don’t know what to do about myself.’
In spiritual life, when we admit that we have lost the game, we win as well. Because we are completely open, honest, and vulnerable.
When we are open, honest, and vulnerable enough to admit that we don’t know what to do about ourselves, God wakes up. If the word ‘God’ offends you, chose another word.
Whatever your word, Love wakes up.
Because ‘I don’t know what to do about myself’ is the basis for prayer.
I can hold the person in their not knowing what to do.
And, of course, in hearing them say, ‘I don’t know what to do about myself,’ I was recovering a personal truth. Sometimes I pretend so hard that I am the one who knows what to do.
So from this experience, I have learned a few things:
Converting a ‘Jackal’ mindset into one of love and acceptance is challenging. It can only result from a conscious, daily practice; seeing our responses to others as they arise in our interactions, and choosing the most positive way of relating to them, which will create the best outcome for both them and ourselves. In NVC (Nonviolent Communication) practice, the opposite of the snarling, scavenging Jackal is the Giraffe: a tall, graceful, dignified creature. We must literally choose to go higher, in our dealings, if we want to transform our relationships.
