Let Us Keep This Our Secret- Child Sexual Abuse

I kept it hidden, my skeleton in the closet, not to be aired for fear of what society would say.I am a survivor of child sexual abuse. I didn’t make the decision to talk about my experience lightly.   

But I came to realize I was still a part of the problem. By keeping silent, I’ve allowed children to keep being victimized because people refuse to acknowledge the problem, or are uneducated about it.  

I am now a parent, and I am fiercely protective of my child; even to the point of paranoia. However, through my experience I know it’s better to be paranoid than sorry. Even one incident of sexual abuse is enough to undermine a child’s self-image and self-worth.

Vicious Cycle of Abuse

Pedophilia is a psychiatric disorder in which an adult or older teenager has a primary or exclusive sexual attraction to children under the age of]. Sri Lanka has a very big problem with paedophilia.  It was so bad a few years ago that our little island became a Mecca for paedophiles from around the world.

We have an incredibly high rate of child trafficking. Our culture has passed on many positive traits to us Sri Lankans. But one aspect of it, I believe, keeps paedophilia rife in our society. We are taught not to air our problems openly. It’s ugly.

What will people say?

So it’s hidden and the children, who were already victimized by someone’s mental illness, are again victimized by us, the society.  Sexual molestation is even a part of initiation rites of a number of schools in Colombo. It’s so prevalent in some boys’ schools that it’s brushed aside as a part of growing up or it’s all a part of becoming a man.

Well, it’s proven that most abusers had been victimized at some point in their lives. So it’s a vicious cycle of abuse rather than the rites of passage to manhood that keeps molestation within our schools’ traditions.

 Let Us Keep This Our Secret

I was in my mid-twenties when I started looking for help. It is incredibly hard to ask for help even when you’re an adult. Children do not know how to ask for help. Especially if they don’t know they are supposed to, or even that they have a right to. Survivors also have to battle depression and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) and, that makes everything harder to do.

It’s like having to walk through sticky, deep mud to get out of your house every morning.  Depression is one of the most common after-effects of abuse of any kind, to those who have been on the receiving end. I battle depression every day and am now getting treated for it.

I will not go into detail about what happened to me during the 5 years I was abused. I’d rather not make you live through it. I will say this, though

I was lucky to have not been caught by a sadistic paedophile, I was not hurt physically. And he wasn’t feeling threatened, so he didn’t have a need to silence me in any other way than to say “let’s keep this our secret”.  A lot of little ones are not so lucky.

Two years ago, a 7-year-old boy was found raped and strangled with his school tie. He was found discarded in a woodshed on the way home from his school.  

I believe it was later found to be a teacher from his school who had done the deed.  I read the story in a newspaper and it tore me apart. It was his plight that put me on this path. If by me talking about my fight for sanity I can help protect even one child, it is worth it, baring my soul.

The salient facts are as follows: I was 3 years old when it started. I was used till I was 7 and a half years old. As a convent-schooled child, I’ve had ample admonitions about sin, so I had a healthy fear of it. I remember coming to the understanding that I was unclean and that it was all my fault.

The person who abused me was a trusted member of my household and one of my primary caregivers. He took me to Montessori every morning and brought me home every afternoon.

He fed me my lunch most of the time. He was my playmate. I trusted him, and -more importantly so did my parents. I was terrified of getting in trouble, of seeing disgust and disappointment on my parents’ faces, so I never told them of what happened to me.

I was suicidal at the age of 9. My teenage years were full of anger. I hated everyone, but mostly, I hated myself.  Even now, in my late thirties, I have a problem facing myself in the mirror.

I wish there was someone who could have told me that it wasn’t my fault that this happened to me. I wish I could go back and hug the little girl I was, and tell her that she’s precious and loved.

That she hadn’t done anything wrong. The sad thing is I know now that if my parents had known, had I told them at that time, they would have protected me, and been my champions as all parents should be to their children.  

I wouldn’t have been so alone. That was the biggest hurt of all. Feeling isolated.  I didn’t have any friends in school, bar one. 

Healing From Within

My healing started with divine intervention. I was sent a message saying I was not alone. I am not a devout Christian, but my relationship with God is very strong. He saved my life. My son and my husband are my cheering squad.And they keep me strong. And happy. It’s my turn now, to help save others.  I know I am a stronger person for having survived my childhood. I’m also in a better position to protect my child than most parents, purely because I know what to watch for.

Every child has the right to expect to be protected, by all of us. and here are some tips and ideas I’d like to share with you in this respect
The biggest mistake we make when devising our nets of protection for our little ones is not considering the danger from within our circles of trusted people.93% of victims know their abuser. No one gets up one morning and thinks  “Hmmm…let me try molesting a child today”.

In fact, Pedophiles can’t help themselves.Most of them know it is wrong, and actively try to fight it. Some live out their lives without touching a child. It’s important to note that they can get help without prejudice if they ask for it before touching a child. 

Also, we should not forget that there are male and female paedophiles. 

Mind you that our biggest indicators of danger will come from your child. Pedophiles have a high degree of self-preservation. They know they have a deep, dark secret they need to hide. Listen to your children. Not just to the words from their mouths. But most particularly what they don’t say. Look at their behaviour and how they treat themselves.  

If you are a fellow survivor, you are not alone.It’s hard but we’ve survived the hardest part. We’re alive. 

In the meantime, remember that what happened to you was not your fault. Remember that you are strong because you’ve lived through something terrible, and survived to tell the tale.

With awareness of these issues, we can be sensitive to others in more empathic ways, trying to be conscious of the challenges they may have in relating to others as a consequence of their experiences. As the statistics of abuse are very high, it is possible that there are survivors always amongst us, who are at different stages of their recovery. Let us approach our fellow human beings with insight and supportiveness, to dismantle the cycles of abuse.

References

Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, 5th Edition. American Psychiatric Publishing. 2013. Retrieved July 25, 2013.

UNHCR – 2013 Trafficking in Persons Report – Sri Lanka

Child Rape On The Rise In Sri Lanka

A study on knowledge and prevalence of sexual harassment and abuse among

schoolboys in Colombo District—Sri Lanka Journal of Child Health, 2004