Ishita BagchiI have been told that I am a giver. I keep pouring out even when my own cups are running out dry. I have been told that I probably am a doormat because that’s how pop culture defines people who care too much.
And I wouldn’t deny any of these accusations. I wouldn’t deny any of the tags that I have been given. Maybe, I am one of them who cares a lot more for others than she does for herself. Maybe, I am one of those who thinks twice before spending on herself but would spend on the people she loves without batting an eyelid.
For the longest time, I thought this was just who I was and has nothing to do with my social conditioning. But, as they say, PERSONAL IS POLITICAL.
This is a structural problem that most often, women face. For ages, women have been told to put others first. They have been told to prioritize their families and children and keep their own well-being in the back burner. This creates a false idea in our minds that when we put ourselves first or care for ourselves, we are being selfish.
More often than not, women end up viewing self-care as being selfish and a luxury, and not really a necessity. This often leads them to feel a false sense of guilt if and whenever they put themselves first. Sacrificial labour is something women often end up doing over and over again just to prove that they are not selfish or that they care for their families as well despite being ambitious, goal and career-oriented.
As women, we often end up seeking validation by being overgiving and overcaring out of the fear of being demonized for being assertive. However, this validation we seek is so conditional that once we are being assertive and trying to make our concerns heard, all the appreciation flies out of the window.
I have seen my mother being appreciated and glorified for sacrificing everything (quite literally) to bring me up and support my father.
Yet, when the time came for her to assert her choice about whether I should be sent out of Calcutta or not for higher studies, everyone started dismissing her opinion saying that she is a housewife so she doesn’t know the outer world and shouldn’t be giving her opinion. However, she stood her ground as she knew how badly I wanted to study at JNU.
The result?
For the first time in her life, she was called “difficult” because she was not agreeing with what others were saying. That day, I saw all the appreciation and love that people had for her, crumble down in seconds. Our extended family, in fact, stopped talking to her for a few months because she decided something that was against their will.
While I was in JNU, I remember her being so cautious and constantly reminding me to not do anything “out of the way” that would prove her family right about her inability to make the correct decisions.
This is one of the many incidents that is etched in my mind where women even after making a certain decision are so scared of the fact that others might question or dislike them for their decision. This incident was an example, a living proof that as a woman, your decisions are tied to the fact that whether people view you worthy enough to give your opinions or not.
In fact, for someone who has had major self-esteem and body image issues for most parts of her life because she didn’t fit society’s image of the perfect woman, my mom’s words are a cornerstone of life lessons. I have had PCOS for as long as I can remember, probably right from when puberty hit me but I have finally come to terms with it (well, almost there). And by now, google has made us more than aware of what the symptoms of PCOS are. I have had excess facial hair and fluctuating mental health because of PCOS. Naturally, that brought a lot of self-esteem issues in me as a teenager. I was bullied in school for not being “beautiful enough”.
Well, I did make heads turn but not for the right reasons. I definitely didn’t have people crushing on me, but I did have people who tried their best to crush my spirits. But at the same time, I did have my mom who has been there for me through thick and thin. I still remember something my best friend and my mom told me, “Remember they can never take away your intelligence or your intellect”. I think that was one of the statements that made me keep going for most of the days when things went downhill.
While I definitely cannot stop everything people have to say, something that I can do is build myself instead of crying and wailing. It has now been 2 years since I have actively started working on my health and while I haven’t been so consistent, my mom doesn’t hesitate to remind me how strong I am and the amount of resilience I hold for being able to get through life. But little does she know how much I wish everyday that I become as strong and vocal as her and never let anyone take away my voice.
