Nayab IqbalAs a first-time mom to my four-month-old son, I find myself overwhelmed with indescribable love and a whirlwind of emotions. The journey of motherhood has been an incredible experience, one that I am grateful to embark upon with the unwavering support of my loving husband. Together, we are pursuing our PhDs abroad, navigating the challenges of academia while juggling part-time jobs and the responsibilities of parenthood.
Settling into my role as a mother has been a remarkable journey, filled with both joys and hurdles. Despite being far away from our families and lacking the traditional support system that many mothers rely on, my husband and I have created a routine that allows us to cherish precious moments with our little one while pursuing our academic and professional endeavours.
We have learned to take turns caring for our baby, ensuring that each of us can spend quality time bonding with our son. During these times, I truly appreciate the privilege of having a supportive partner who acknowledges the significance of my well-being and personal growth.
My husband, understanding the importance of maintaining my individuality, encourages me to have occasional moments of solitude. He willingly takes on the responsibilities of childcare, where I get a chance to engage in activities that I love and to nurture my own well-being. These breaks, whether spent pursuing a hobby, going for a walk, or simply enjoying a cup of coffee in solitude, have become invaluable for rejuvenating my spirit and reconnecting me with the person I was before becoming a mother.
However, amidst my joy and gratitude, I cannot overlook the stark reality many women face in South Asian cultures, particularly in countries like Pakistan. Here, the expectations placed upon women once they become mothers are often burdensome and stifling. It is disheartening to witness how these societal pressures and norms can destroy a woman’s sense of self, causing her to lose touch with her own dreams and aspirations.
Loss of Identity
In South Asian cultures, a prevailing belief exists that a woman’s primary purpose is to be a nurturing and selfless mother. The weight of these expectations often results in sacrificing personal interests, passions, and even one’s own well-being. This loss of identity can leave women feeling trapped, isolated, and detached from the person they were before motherhood.
As I reflect upon my journey, I feel profound gratitude for the freedom and support I have been fortunate to receive. It is a stark reminder of the need for a societal shift in how motherhood is perceived and experienced, particularly in South Asian cultures. Every woman deserves the opportunity to embrace the transformative experience of motherhood while also nurturing her own dreams.
In many South Asian cultures, rigid social expectations often accompany motherhood. Women are expected to seamlessly transition into the role of a mother, dedicating themselves entirely to their children and family. These expectations stem from deeply ingrained cultural norms and traditions, where a woman’s primary role is seen as nurturing and caregiving. Consequently, women often shoulder an immense burden, compromising their personal aspirations and even their own well-being.
As women become mothers, they frequently experience a significant shift in their identity. They are no longer seen as individuals with dreams, ambitions, and interests of their own. Their personal pursuits take a backseat, and they are expected to conform to societal expectations that revolve solely around their child and household responsibilities. This loss of identity can lead to feelings of frustration and a diminished sense of self-worth.
Trapped in Traditions
In the Pakistani joint family system, women often find themselves burdened with overwhelming responsibilities. The expectation placed upon them to look after the entire household and manage their newborns can be both physically and emotionally draining. Unfortunately, this system often leads to compromised personal aspirations and desires, leaving women with minimal time for themselves.
While the joint family system promotes a sense of togetherness and support, it also comes with certain expectations and gender roles deeply rooted in traditional norms. Women are often assigned the role of caretakers, responsible for not only their own children but also the household chores and the needs of other family members.
Once a woman becomes a mother, the weight of these expectations increases significantly. She is expected to prioritise her newborn’s needs and seamlessly manage household responsibilities. From cooking and cleaning to managing the household responsibilities and ensuring everyone’s well-being, the burden falls disproportionately on her shoulders.
As a result, women often find themselves engulfed in a constant caregiving cycle, leaving little to no time for self-care or pursuing personal aspirations. The concept of “me-time” becomes a luxury that they seldom enjoy. Their desires and dreams are frequently put on hold or completely forgotten as the household’s demands and the extended family’s expectations take precedence.
This compromised personal space and lack of time for self-reflection and self-nurturing can severely affect a woman’s mental and emotional well-being. The constant state of giving without receiving can lead to frustration, exhaustion, and even resentment.
The Price of Societal Approval
Moreover, in South Asian cultures, including Pakistan, a deep-rooted cultural stigma surrounds the prioritisation of personal desires and aspirations for women, especially once they become mothers. Society often imposes rigid expectations on women, emphasising their commitment to family and domestic responsibilities above all else. Any deviation from these expectations can result in harsh judgment, criticism, and questioning of their dedication to their roles as mothers and wives.
Women who desire to pursue their dreams, engage in hobbies, or participate in activities outside of their domestic responsibilities often face societal disapproval. They are often labelled as selfish or neglectful of their family’s needs. This cultural stigma creates an environment where women feel guilty or ashamed for considering their own personal fulfilment.
The pressure to conform to societal expectations is immense. Many women internalise these norms and believe their individual worth is tied solely to their ability to fulfil traditional roles as mothers and caregivers. They may feel obligated to prioritise their family’s needs above their own, sacrificing their dreams.
This cultural stigma further perpetuates the cycle of sacrificing personal aspirations for societal approval. Women may suppress their desire and compromise their individuality and sense of self. They may feel compelled to suppress their dreams, talents, and ambitions to maintain harmony and avoid judgment.
Unfortunately, this cultural stigma restricts women’s personal growth and perpetuates a narrow definition of womanhood. It reinforces the notion that a woman’s value lies solely in her ability to fulfil traditional roles, disregarding her passions, talents, and potential contributions beyond the domestic sphere. As a result, many women find themselves trapped in a vicious circle of unfulfilled aspirations, longing for personal growth and self-expression but feeling unable to break free from societal expectations.
Breaking Free – Empowering Identity Beyond Motherhood
It is high time we collectively challenge the traditional gender roles and expectations that confine women to the sole responsibility of caregiving. Men should be encouraged to actively participate in childcare and household chores, which can promote a more equitable distribution of responsibilities within the family. Partners play a crucial role in supporting mothers during the early stages of motherhood. Encouraging open communication, empathy, and shared responsibilities between partners can provide much-needed support and help alleviate the burden placed solely on mothers.
Furthermore, mothers should be encouraged and supported in prioritising self-care. They need to have dedicated time for themselves, engaging in activities that bring them joy, rejuvenate their spirits, and help maintain their mental and emotional well-being.
It is crucial to empower women to reclaim their identities beyond motherhood. This can be achieved by providing access to opportunities for personal growth. Encouraging women to pursue their passions, interests, and career aspirations can help them maintain a strong sense of self and fulfilment. Societal attitudes and cultural norms need to evolve to recognise and appreciate the multifaceted nature of women. Motherhood should not be seen as a barrier to personal growth but rather as an opportunity for women to embrace their roles as caregivers and individuals with their own desires and goals.
Educating society about the importance of valuing and respecting mothers’ personal aspirations and desires is crucial. Raising awareness about the negative consequences of suppressing a woman’s identity can foster a more supportive environment and lead to greater acceptance of women pursuing their individual dreams alongside motherhood.
By becoming empathetic and promoting women’s need for personal space and choice, we can create a more supportive and inclusive environment for mothers, where they are celebrated for their nurturing role and encouraged to pursue their dreams and careers. Mothers should be able to navigate motherhood’s challenges without compromising their identities, allowing them to lead fulfilling lives both as individuals and as loving caregivers to their children.
