Sana Ally
“My marriage crumbled. My health crumbled. I crumbled,” writes Sana Ally. A cat she had rejected shows her how to accept it all.
Sticker is 3 years, 3 month-ish old. She’s half blind. There’s good reason to believe that vision in her other eye is compromised too. The uncharacteristic trepidation in her steps and her overall clumsiness gives that away.
Sticker is a chatty cat. Sometimes her prolonged monologue registers dissent; sometimes, a bored lilt fading away into nothingness. Sticker often zones out like an old woman, bellyful of unheard stories, blinking, staring into space, muttering under her breath. Sometimes, she indulges us in a conversation, properly peppered with appropriately-timed pauses and all. Mostly, her meows are an exacting roar: a demand for treats or our attention.
Sticker does not like Tiny. Sticker leaves no opportunity to let Tiny know. Even as the accepted Alpha, she never stops establishing authority. She hates that my sister rescued another helpless, immune-compromised cat and thrust an unwanted younger sibling upon her, robbing her of my sister’s undivided attention.
Tiny loves to be in Sticker’s business. An annoying younger sister. I identify, having invented and delivered the role flawlessly myself.
The rescue of Sticker
Sticker was found, running a high fever, right eye bulging, ripe with a feline herpes infection, abandoned, possibly by her own mother, near my sister’s car. Appi had taken the difficult decision to leave Bombay – a city that had been home for 7 years. The past year she had barely been in the city, juggling between her recovery from dysthymia and the anxieties of being a freelancer.
This was 29 February 2020. Street life is brutally practical. It is primal. It is about survival. Runts of the pack are abandoned here. Appi’s big, sensitive heart broke. She rushed the kitten to a vet. Then she brought her home.
I was angry
When she called me to tell me, I got angry. I was tired of being the voice of reason for my older sibling. I was tired of her impractical, head-in-the-cloud ways. I was scared. Of having to clean up after. Who rescues a cat, abandoned by her own mother, when you don’t have your own bearings?
Sticker had to find a new home quickly and it certainly wasn’t going to be mine. Social media networks and WhatsApp groups were activated. Sticker found a home in no time but her new Mum had to leave town. Appi, who was now staying with me, having given up her Bombay home, kept going across town to cat-sit Sticker.
In hindsight, my irritation had little to do with Appi and a lot to do with my own unbridled, unchecked anxiety. Unprocessed childhood trauma was re-surfacing, with the sudden onslaught of many personal curveballs. My capacity to care had maxed out.
What was I angry about
The countrywide anti- CAA protests were peaking, Covid-19 was breathing down our necks, work stress was through the roof and my husband and I, an interfaith couple, were reeling as a couple and individually.
We had begun to fight more than usual. Out of sync with each other for the first time in 8 years and I was constantly on edge. The pall of gloom had swallowed me whole.
Appi faced the brunt of it. I had frequent meltdowns. Rude outbursts were common. 6 years older, Appi had been like a second mother to me. Over the years, while we remained close, our relationship had become volatile. The constant tussle of finding my voice, while running back to her, her own inner turbulence and our egos had put our relationship under duress. Deep down, we both knew it needed repair.
Meanwhile, outside a big storm was brewing. Empty streets, companies rolling out work from home mandates, ransacked store shelves. We tried to keep calm, scoffing at the stupidity of thali banging, sharing memes, and working through nights. Our laughter nervous.
My husband had to travel to Hyderabad for urgent work. More nervous laughter.
24 March: Lockdown announced. My heart stops.
Holding back tears, getting off the phone with my husband, now stuck in Hyderabad indefinitely, I hugged Appi. Appi held space for me, as she always does.
Next order of business – we had to get Sticker home since her Mom was stuck too.
My house was not pet friendly. In fact, my house, and I were a pet’s nightmare. What followed were 3 months. In lockdown. My sister and I… and err… Sticker.
Day1: Sticker goes full Dora the Explorer on my house. She defies every boundary I create for her, much to my annoyance. Sticker’s wilfulness cannot be deflated by Cruella De Vil.
Day 7: Appi, Sticker and I watch aTed talk by Elizabeth Lesser on saying your truths and seeking them in others. Something shifts within 2 out of us 3. Sticker is above all this. Without explicit discussion, Appi and I attempt becoming deliberate and intentional.
Day 10: We replenish our groceries, thanks to Sticker’s vet appointment across town.
Day 15: We are now pros of distraction. Online meetings, party games on Zoom, extended family calls, banana breads in the oven and Yoga with Adriene.
Day 20: I am deeply invested in my sourdough starter. Sticker plays referee to the daily squabbling matches between Appi and I about chores, deliberation and intention be damned!
Day 30: The month of Ramzan has begun. We find our rhythm in prayer, meal-planning, spirituality and heart to hearts. We reflect, rejoice. We cry, console. Esther Perel tells us to stop postponing joy, so we dine in our finest crockery and take lots of pictures.
A verse in the Quran says, “With hardship, comes ease. With hardship comes ease”. Its deliberate emphasis by way of repeating the phrase twice, is a reassurance: not only are hardships cyclical, ease also comes alongside. There is always relief sent for you.
Sticker rescues us
While my relationship with Appi slowly healed, my relationship with my husband went through the wringer. Distance did not make our hearts grow fonder.
True to her name, Sticker was the glue that held Appi and I together. Her antics, hilarious. She gave us a collective purpose. Appi counselled me. Sticker just meowed.
Day 58: My sister weaned off the antidepressants she had been taking for a year. She had climbed a steep incline to conquer this mountain all by herself. Sticker and I bore witness.
Day 83: My brother, a fighter pilot (they always want everyone to know that), planned a rescue mission to drive us (and Sticker) from Bombay to Delhi. Since he has too much main character energy, that epic trip and the entire episode will be a separate essay.
3 years later, the aftermath
My marriage crumbled. My health crumbled. I crumbled. Life continues to be turbulent. I have contracted and expanded, diminished and grown. Ebbed and flowed. Physically, emotionally, spiritually.
Lockdown spent with Sticker and Appi prepared me well. Appi has been flourishing, conquering mountain after proverbial mountain. Alhamdulillah. Sticker has stuck by her, through all of that.
4 flatmates practice radical acceptance
Inspired by Appi, I now practice radical acceptance and embark on this journey within, trying to align all my chakras. As for Sticker, the wench, I believe it was she who conspired with the universe to cut me to size.
All 3 of us are flatmates again. At a new address. With the addition of Tiny. Back in Bombay!
Our crazy cat-lady commune is thriving. And my restless, broken heart has an anchor. Paying my penance for being overly practical when I first met her, Sticker wants it on record: she’s NOTMEOWFRIEND. SHE NEVER WILL BE. The eyes, Chico. They never lie.
As I write this, the door to my room has been left open. Hoping that she will oblige me, as she sometimes does, to paw my face aggressively. Demanding to be let inside the covers, as she tucks herself into a perfect croissant, somewhere within the contortions of my foetal positioned self. She will nip at my toes, every now and then to convey that my breathing is inconveniencing her.
I will lay, peaceful. Grateful. Heartful. My not-friend Sticker has taught me the biggest lesson: You are always worthy of space.
This essay was written by Sana Ally in response to the prompt, ‘An Impossible Friendship’ in the Ochre Sky Memoir writing workshop facilitated by Natasha Badhwar and Raju Tai.
