Nazia KamaliI
I fell in love recklessly
with the man of my dreams.
Polite as a knight
he swept the floor beneath my feet.
He dazzled everyone with his presence
but paid attention only to my needs.
The day he proposed
My heart danced with joy.
Laying awake in my bed
I dreamt of a life in his arms.
.
He treated me like the Queen of Sheba
I felt lucky to have found him.
II
For years my world revolved around
the honey coated words that came out of your mouth.
Until my uncle died
making me realise,
I hadn’t seen him in decades.
You held my hands
and took me to his funeral.
There were faces I couldn’t even recognise.
My mother hugged me hard and wept
enquiring repeatedly, about my happiness.
‘She must be in shock.’ I thought.
Mum had numerous wrinkles on her face
and dad had more strands of white hair than I could count.
Many cousins had outgrown their old images.
Several were married.
One even had a child on her hip.
The doleful day had turned into a fretful night
Tossing and turning
I kept wondering.
Where was I all those years?
I closed my eyes in desperation and tried recalling.
My mind swept through the memories.
I could see us – you, me and the boys
our youth, our marriage.
Children being born, learning to stand and walk
your office trips and
kids’ school picnics.
But what I was looking for
was nowhere to be found.
That’s when I knew
why everyone eyed me with sympathy?
I had become an obedient ISOLATED wife.
Who rarely met her family
and had no friends left.
Whose cousins had drifted apart,
her world had no one else.
I gasped for breath and got out of the bed.
Pacing in denial
I looked for excuses.
The chill of the night
penetrated through my bosom.
There were your office gatherings on my parents’ anniversaries
and trips to islands abroad, during cousins’ weddings.
Using sweet syrupy expressions
you badmouthed all those I knew.
Blinded by love
I clung to every word you said.
You were a darling husband
who never raised his voice.
Until I understood
the game you played.
I had become an anchorless ship
floating in the sea of your ego.
People looked at me with pity.
Oblivious
I thought they were jealous.
You turned me into an island
with nothing, but fathoms of water all around
You then burned my way back to the world.
Foolish enough
I was drawn to the light of that flame.
Putting me on a pretend throne
you bewitched me to slumber.
You decked me with jewels
and showed me around.
I was a lifeless porcelain doll
dancing to the rhythm of your songs.
You scraped me out of me,
intently you scratched and scooped
Until there was nothing left.
You then filled that empty shell with
the version of me that you liked the best.
I smiled when you wanted
and cooked when you needed.
I birthed when you were ready
and took care of the babies alone.
I have no job to fall back on
I do not visit my parents anymore.
But,
never once did you asked
if I felt complete.
It seems to me that
there are two different worlds.
Yours and mine.
Mine entrapped in yours.
In these two worlds, our lives are intertwined.
You live to be the master
And I,
to cater to your whims.
I live in a bright shiny glasshouse
like tiny little Caladiums.
Though allowed to live and grow
I am denied a habitat of my own.
The fault my dear
Is not entirely yours.
Anyone who finds an easy fish
takes it home as a prize.
I REFUSE to be that fish anymore
